Reason to Live, Reason to Die
by Odeeyou
Summary: Warning: Story has sexual content. After the war, Heero moves to the circus with Trowa. Where Catharine shows Heero all the reasons to live. Heero x Catharine (COMPLETE)
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: I decided to write a Heero x Catharine fic. I have seen maybe one fic like this since I became a member to fanfiction. Not a popular pairing but I felt like experimenting a little. All flames are welcome. I hope I get at least a few reviews. I want to know if there is any hope for this idea. Oh, and I don't own Gundam Wing.  
  
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It had been five years since the wars ended. After all that had happened, it seemed like only yesterday that Trowa had joined their circus. Her life seemed so simple then. She thought Trowa as nothing more that just a quiet boy. Until he brought that other boy back with him one day. A boy about his own age badly injured and close to death. It was then that she knew she was getting dragged into this war. And that everything was going to get a lot more complicated. She learned that they were the notorious Gundam pilots. But that was not what was so striking. It was that boy.  
  
Heero Yuy, that was what he called himself. So dark and mysterious. His eyes. She once thought him to be cold and heartless. But something in his eyes she saw told her otherwise. She saw compassion in his eyes. If only for one fleeting moment. It struck her odd, that anyone could hide from their feelings like that. She wanted to help him. But Trowa told her not too.  
  
And so two years after the war, they were given a surprise. Heero showed up at their door. He came on regular visits to Trowa and the circus. After he became acquainted with them well enough, he even helped out with what ever needed to be done. Be it manual labor, or feeding the monkeys. He was always there to lend a hand. So the boss decided to offer him a job at the circus. Another surprise. He accepted.  
  
Everyone assumed this was because Trowa and Heero were so alike. Silent, deadly, and emotionless. They got along together so well because they had so much in common. Both were left without families at a very young age. Both had nothing left for them in the world but what they were ordered to do. Living without a reason to live. Trowa told her it was also because Heero was lost, in a sense. And had nowhere to go. Nowhere to call home.  
  
That had been the others opinions. But she had always wondered what his reasons were. What his reasons really were. Everyone described him as the perfect soldier. Cold and emotionless. But the emotion she saw in his eyes from time to time, when he thought no one saw, told her otherwise. So many emotions in a single look. Anger, hatred, guilt, remorse, regret, pain, compassion.  
  
She had seen compassion in his eyes only once. When they first met. When he came out of his comma. How she wished that his eyes would stay that way. Again, she wanted to help him. But Trowa, the mind reader that he is, warned her not too. He told her that Heero couldn't show his emotions. He didn't know how too. Something else she didn't believe.  
  
Oddly enough, she also seemed to be the only person who thought Heero and Releena didn't belong together. They were opposite side of a coin. And the way he was constantly avoiding her. Didn't that say something? Everyone else said that he was too dense to see that they were perfect for each other. Somehow, after the emotion she saw in his eyes when she looked at him, she doubted that.  
  
She on the other hand, couldn't believe it. Trowa was going to kill her. She, Catherine Bloom, was falling for Heero Yuy. 


	2. Finding a Reason

Catharine walked around the cages and tents about the area. It would be a few more days of preparing before the circus was ready to perform.  
  
She looked for Heero. As self appointed morale officer at the circus, it was her duty to at least try and cheer him up. Among those duties, she was also always looking for something for him to do. Two years of trying and she had not yet found a task that he had not been capable to doing.  
  
She had even seen him walking tight ropes with Trowa once. The guy was just as balanced and athletic as Trowa was. Perhaps more so. No one was ever sure. More often than not, he simply chooses not to be. She never understood why. She hoped that out of these tasks she gave him he might find something he enjoyed doing.  
  
Heero was in the main tent when she found him. He was having an interesting conversation with one of the strong men at the circus. A curious sight. Not many people had what it took to argue with an eight-foot man with the build of a profession wrestler.  
  
Not that the guy would hurt anyone. He wouldn't hurt a fly unless defending himself. It was just that he was intimidating. But then, so was Heero. If being a Gundam pilot wasn't already intimidating. He put his gun away for good. But piss the guy off, and you would feel it.  
  
When he first arrived at the circus, one of the other workers was just coming back from vacation and had seen Heero walking around. He just assumed Heero to be just some civilian poking around, seeing that he was alone. He pushed Heero and told him to get out. Heero, turns out, didn't like to be pushed. So he broke both the guys arms.  
  
"You're a strong guy, Yuy. But can you do this?" The strong man took a steel bar. After a minute, he had twisted the inch thick steel bar into a pretzel shape.  
  
Heero said nothing and only smirked at him. Grabbing a steel bar, after a little longer than the strong man, he had twisted the bar into the shape of. . .a bunny? He handed it to the strong guy who looked a little shocked.  
  
Cathy laughed and walked into the tent entrance where she had been watching the sight with amusement. "Now we have a place for you Heero. You can make those and give them to the children!" The strong man laughed at her joke and walked off, looking at the bunny shaped steel bar.  
  
Heero looked at her indifferently. "I don't think so Catharine. Steel bars, even bent ones, can still be dangerous for children."  
  
He strode past her with his hands in his pockets. He now loomed a good two inches over her. It felt weird. After all the years she had known, she was used to being taller. At least she was still taller than Trowa. "I was a joke Heero! A joke!" She called out at him as he walked out the exit.  
  
"You still haven't given up on him yet, have you?" A familiar voice said behind her. "You cant, you know."  
  
She turned around and met long brown bangs and a single green eye. She smirked at him. "Angry that you big sister would go for a younger guy, Tro?"  
  
"A little, yes." He said truthfully and smiled slightly at her.  
  
She shrugged and pulled out her old throwing knives. "Come on Trowa. You can't blame me for being just a little interested in the guy?"  
  
"Yes." He answered a little too quickly for her taste and watched him stand in front of the target board, ready for her to practice.  
  
"Two years, Trowa. I'm only two years older than the two of you." She threw three of her knives at him. They grazed around his head perfectly.  
  
"That's not the point. He can't. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't. He has learned to live without such emotions." He said dryly.  
  
She sighed. She was always getting these speeches from him. "You wrong Trowa."  
  
". . .?" He inquired. Or at least that's how Trowa inquired on such topics.  
  
"You cant live without emotions. You can't be human and not have such emotions. Heero has learned to get by without such emotions. Not live without them. You cant live without them. Heero knows this." She chucked her last four knives at him. Hitting their targets just above and below the arms.  
  
"And how do you know this?" He arched one visible eyebrow at her in question.  
  
She pulled her knives out of the wooden target board as Trowa hoped down from it. "I'm you big sister. I know everything." She said matter-of- factly.  
  
They walked to the side of the tent where she had her box that held her knives. What was the box next to hers? It wasn't there before. She opened it up and beheld seven beautiful knives. She and Trowa both picked one up to examine it.  
  
It had a beautiful mahogany handle. She moved her fingers over the intricate design carved into it. She saw that each one had a different design carved into it. They were hand carved, but the balance was perfect. The edges of the blade were inlaid with sparkling green gems that made the steel exterior shine brighter except for the tip. The tip was left alone, for that was the part that would sink into its target. Small initials were carved into the handles. HY. Could it be? She felt her heart begin to race.  
  
"You got yourself some new throwing knives I see. Very pretty." Trowa examined the knife and placed it back in the box. "The mahogany handle clashes well with the color of the wooden target. Making it easier for the audience to see. You choose well." Trowa walked away, not noticing the look on her face.  
  
Picking up the box, she found a small piece of paper underneath of it. It read, "Happy Birthday, Catharine." She knew that handwriting.  
  
How did he know? She had never told anyone when exactly her birthday was. She had almost forgotten that it was today. How did he find out? He is a rather resourceful guy. She hugged the small piece of paper and twirled in a circle. Allowing a small tear of happiness to run down her face.  
  
"Heero, did you know all along? Do you know how much this means to me?" She thought out loud and smiled brightly at the piece of paper. She went back to her trailer with her gift. Now wondering what his feelings really were.  
  
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Oddly enough, she didn't see much of anything of Heero for the rest of the day. She wanted to thank him. But he never stuck in one place long enough for her to find him. It was nearing midnight. She was looking at the paper again. She knew it wasn't really proof of anything. It may have only been a friendly gesture. Heero was known for doing the unexpected. But she could still hope.  
  
She walked around the circus grounds and hugged her arms against the warm night on the colony. She noticed the light on in his trailer. Heero was something of an insomniac. No one was sure just how little of sleep he got each night, be he never showed any signs of fatigue.  
  
She walked over to his trailer door to thank him. See what he was up too late this night. Just talk to him or try to get him to open up a little if she could. She listened at the door to the silence within. Quietly, she opened the door and peeked her head inside to see what he was doing.  
  
Her eyes widened in horror. She found him in front of a mirror, holding a gun to his head. He was fingering the trigger. About to pull it. About to kill himself. She ran into the trailer and pulled the gun away from his head just as he pulled the trigger. The sound was silent. She saw the silencer on it. He was going to do it and not even tell anyone.  
  
Tears rolled down her face. She waited for an explanation when she saw an emotion in his eyes that she did recognize. Guilt. "You should feel guilty! Do you know what this would do to you friends? How much it would hurt them?" She yelled at him.  
  
He turned his head away from her. "The guilt was not for them." His voice was emotionless. But his eyes showed so much. . ."It was for me. After everything I have done, I don't deserve to live."  
  
She fumed at him. Tears still ran down her face as she started to cry. "Aren't the people closest to you good enough reason to live?" She screamed at him. "You didn't even consider their feelings! Did you consider mine? Did you consider how I might feel if you died? What I would have to go through?"  
  
She slapped him in the face. Leaving a red mark.  
  
"There are a lot of reasons to live for. Now I am giving you one. I suggest you use it!" She stormed out of the trailer crying back to her own. She didn't say it, but she wanted to be his reason to live. If he would let her.  
  
Heero put a hand up to his face. He dropped the gun to the floor. She had given him a reason to live? What was it? What other reason was there to live for a soldier? He supposed he could live a little while longer. Until he found out just what that reason was. And if it really was worth living for.  
  
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Over the next few days, Trowa and good many other people at the circus couldn't help but notice and Cathy and Heero had been avoiding each other. Many knew that Cathy had an attraction to hero. Even if Heero didn't notice it. He could only guess that Cathy had talked to him. And she was told what he thought she would be told by Heero. "No." He could only think that it was for the best. Heero was not the kind of person to know how to show his feelings. To anyone.  
  
Trowa was half tempted to give a good talking to Heero and tell him to apologize to Cathy. But he had to remind himself that Heero understood their emotions. He might not know how to show them himself, or just why people had them. But he understood what they meant. And he knew Heero would never hurt anyone anymore unless it were necessary. Cathy had to learn. But he hated to see this depressed look on her face all the time.  
  
Trowa was eating breakfast quietly with Cathy quietly that morning in a small tent. Trowa, the silent one, was actually beginning to get a little uncomfortable with all the silence he was getting from her. Heero walked in for some breakfast. He got up and gave Heero a suggestive look. Asking him to talk to her. Heero nodded silently and Trowa got up to leave the two alone.  
  
Heero sat across from her at the table. She avoided his gaze, but looked at him when he put a hand over hers on the table. She looked into his eyes.  
  
"You said there were many reasons to live. Show me." He said softly and squeezed her hand gently. She smiled at him. He realized that he missed her smile. It had been a few days since she had smiled for anyone. And he knew how important her smiles were for everyone at the circus. He gave her half a smile before releasing her hand and walking back out the tent.  
  
Cathy continued to smile at his departing figure. He had smiled for her. She had never seen him smile before. "Yes. I'll show you." 


	3. Children

DISCLAIMER: I don't own a cotton pickin thing. I do however own a polyester pickin thing. But I don't own Gundam Wing or the characters in it.  
  
Cathy smiled as she watched Heero dress up in a clown getup, sport a big red nose and put on red face paint around his mouth to look like a smile. It was a comical sight. And it took all her will power not to laugh. What was even more comical was that Heero was one of the more favorite clowns at this circus. From the athletic stunts he did with Trowa to the games he played with the children.  
  
He noticed her in the mirror and smirked at her. Her getup may not be a clown outfit but it was still an attention getter. Her small pick tutu ballerina outfit. People in the stands tended to pay more attention to that and her long legs than they did the knives she threw. And people tended to learn the hard way not to get on her bad side. He ruffled his hair, making it stick out even more than it already did.  
  
She couldn't hold it in anymore and put her hand to her mouth, giving a small laugh before going to the main tent. Her act would be coming up next. She looked forward to trying the knives that Heero gave her. Walking into the center of the ring, she made her bow as the audience made its applause. Trowa was already tied to the targeting board.  
  
She chucked two of her new knives at Trowa. They grazed his left side. Trowa was right. They were much easier to see on the board. Especially for the audience members in the top rows. Her applause was nearly doubled!  
  
She glanced around and saw Heero doing some hand stands and back flips for some kids in the front row. That gave her an idea she would have to try later. She tossed two more knives at Trowa that hit the targets next to his head perfectly. Again she got good cheering. She would have to thank Heero for these later. Normally, most of the cheering came from men and her outfit of the day. Unlike today.  
  
She threw the last three knives at Trowa. Two of them grazing his left side and one spinning wildly, hitting the board squarely between his legs. Fortunately nothing damaged. Although Trowa's face paled slightly as he looked down. Not a normal target if he remembered. The crowd roared with laughter and applause.  
  
Trowa and Catharine bowed and walked off, Trowa, doing something of a cowboy walk as he exited. The audience laughed. Heero smirked. He either did it out of shock or for effect. And he didn't think it was for effect. Trowa was not in the habit of making a fool of himself. Even for show.  
  
The show ended normally and without event. Aside from the normal events that went on during performances. Heero was rubbing the face paint of his face when a certain familiar brown haired woman came up behind him and honked his red nose. That was still attached to his face.  
  
"Don't take too long changing. We start lessons today." She honked his nose again before turning around. Turning around back to him again, her face blushed the color of her pink tutu and she kissed his cheek. "And thanks for the knives Heero." She ran off leaving a confused looking Heero. He would never understand woman. He went and changed the rest of his cloths into just some jeans and his jacket.  
  
He wondered what the lessons would be. He was doubtful if they could change his view on living. There was no purpose; no good reason that he could think of for him to continue living. Though he was rather curious as to what she would try.  
  
Walking out of the tent, he found her already changed and waiting for him in jeans and a red sweater. "Come on. Lets go for a walk." She tuned around and started walking out of the circus. He caught up to her and walked at her side saying nothing. He realized that they were not walking very far, just to the park near by.  
  
Children played games in and around the park. Some on the equipment, others just running about with each other. He mentally slapped himself. His soldier skills still automatically counted the exact number of people in the park with him. And looked for anything that might be a threat to him. Damn his training.  
  
"So, do you like children, Heero?" Catharine's voice brought him back to his senses. She was smiling at him.  
  
Did he like children? He had always been rather indifferent about everything up to this point. People, children, everything. Did he like children? "I don't know." He had played with children at the circus before, and children seemed to like him. But did he have an opinion on it all?  
  
"Why don't you go play with them?" She smiled and moved to play with some of the children herself. He stood, wondering. Was this a part of the lesson? He shrugged and followed orders. Taking a seat in a sand box with a little girl about 5 years old.  
  
"You wanna help make sand castles?" She held up a small bucket and shovel and smiled at him.  
  
Heero, glancing around, made sure Catharine wasn't looking. He smiled one of his rare smiles at the girl and nodded. It was amazing how innocent children could be. The girl bucketed some sand and flipped the bucked upside down on the sand pile. She pulled the bucket off carefully. Making a square block of sand. She did this again for him.  
  
He never made a sand castle before. This was a new experience for him. Problem was he didn't know how too. "Um, can you show me how?" She smiled and started to take bits and pieces of out her block of sand, making it resemble a castle.  
  
He did the same. Trying to fix it when he took off too much or stuck his finger in it to hard. He looked at hers and then his own. "Yours is better." And indeed it was. Hers was looking good. His on the other hand was looking like a lump of sand.  
  
Catharine watched Heero while she played on the jungle gym with some of the kids. Well, she finally found a task that he could not do. Heero couldn't make a sand castle. Duo would get a good kick out of that. But Heero seemed to be doing well.  
  
"Do you want to play on the swings?" The girl asked. Heero, failing horribly at his sand castle, nodded his head in agreement. They stood up and walked to the swing set. Helping her get into the seat, he pushed in gently behind her.  
  
"Trisha!" A woman called in the park. The girl hopped down and waved at Heero good-bye as she ran to her mother. He gave a half smile to the little girl. He sighed and stuck his hands in his pockets and walked about aimlessly around the park. Catharine was busy. So he sat down next to a tree to try and think for a bit.  
  
Heero saw the small boy hiding behind the tree. The boy didn't think that he saw him though. He closed his eyes and leaned back, waiting for the boy to become curious enough to come out. A small blonde head poked itself around the tree to look at him.  
  
"Why are you hiding?" Heero asked with his eyes closed. He opened his eyes in time to see the boy jump. Must have startled him. The boy had his arms behind him and looked down at his feet. He looked to be around 6 maybe.  
  
"I lost my mom. I'm afraid to ask anyone for help. I don't know anyone here." The boy mumbled. Heero smirked inwardly. The boy lost him mom. Usually it was the other way around. "What about you?" The boy asked and looked up from his feet.  
  
"I'm the one that's lost." He sat up and looked at the kid. He sympathized with him. The feeling of being lost wasn't at all a pleasant one. And he knew it only all to well. "My name is Heero."  
  
"Jonny." The boy mumbled again.  
  
"Well, now you know someone." He kneeled and turned around to the boy and motioned for him to hop onto his back. "Come on. I'll help you find you mom." The boy climbed onto his back and he carried him piggyback around the park.  
  
Cathy was also walking around the park looking a little lost. Where had Heero gone off too? He didn't leave did he? It was then that she saw him walking around with a boy on his back, walking toward a very lost looking woman. He kneeled down and let the boy hope down off. The boy ran to the woman who hugged him warmly. Picking the boy up in her arms, she shook hands with Heero before walking out of the park. Heero just stood there, watching them leave.  
  
He stood there, and continued to watch them until they left sight. Catharine walked up behind him a put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. "Are you ready to head back?" He nodded his head and they walked back to the circus.  
  
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Heero sat down in his trailer that night thinking about the events of the day. After much thought, he decided that he did in fact like children. The only innocents left in the world. Happy, carefree, and innocent. Something he never was. It was gratifying to him to know that there were innocents in the world. Worth fighting for.  
  
A sudden knock came to the door. Catharine poked her head in the door and looked at him smiling. She walked in and stood over him. Heero closed his eyes and leaned back. Looking to be in deep thought. But really just waiting for her to reply.  
  
Five minutes of silence passed. Heero opened his eyes and made eye contact with her. Her ocean blue eyes shined and her smile blossomed. He watched in awe for a moment. For just a moment, her eyes seemed to reflect all of his emotions. If only for a moment.  
  
Cathy smiled when he finally looked up at her. He rarely made eye contact with anyone unless he was glaring at someone. But this was not a glare. His Persian blue eyes seemed to look confused. She chose to break the moment. "So, Heero, do you like children?"  
  
Her took his gaze away from her sadly, but he seemed to look thoughtful. "Hn. Yes." He smirked and leaned back in his chair again.  
  
"Good. Then the first lesson is completed." She nodded her head in agreement with herself. She was about to turn around and leave when she saw the confused look in his face again.  
  
"Hm?" He asked. Evidently not getting what she was saying. She sat down on the couch next to him and smiled brightly at him.  
  
"Children, Heero. Children are a very good reason to live. They are the future. They will learn from our mistakes. And they will succeed where we failed in life." She watched the confused look on his face disappear and get replaced with something of amusement.  
  
Heero gave an amused sounding "Hn." And smirked. Yes. He understood.  
  
He looked at her. Her smile brightened when she saw his smirk struggle to avoid becoming a smile. He understood. She had a sudden urge to kiss those lips of his. Break him out of that box he kept himself in. But he was not where she wanted him yet. "We'll have another lesson soon."  
  
Standing back up, she left the trailer. Heero understood. Children were a good reason to live. Except for one small problem. He was a soldier. And children were not a part of his life. Still, she mentioned another lesson. He could wait to die a little while longer. But now his mind wandered off to other thoughts. Her eyes, and the emotion he saw in them.  
  
Another knock came to the door and Trowa stuck his head in it. Looking at Heero with a curious green eye. "What was my sister so happy about when she left here?"  
  
Heero smirked and stood up. He opened the door fully, allowing Trowa to walk in. "She found a task that I was unable to do."  
  
Trowa looked to be a little shocked. Did the perfect soldier just admit to having flaws? "And that would be?" He inquired.  
  
Heero shrugged and stuck his hands in his pockets as he strode past Trowa out the door. "Making sand castles." He left the trailer. Leaving a very confused looking Trowa Barton standing inside.  
  
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What do you think people? Should I continue with this story? Does Catherine stand any chance of giving Heero a reason to live? R&R 


	4. Life

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gundam Wing or the characters in it, yadda, yadda, yadda. Get the jip?  
  
Trowa had changed his mind about having Yuy talk to her the other day. It didn't bother him that she was smiling at him again. Even the fact that they were now more often talking and within close proximity of each other did bother him. He was sure that Heero had no interest in her like that. What bothered him was his sister's quest for something that Heero couldn't do. And the fact that they were now both holding throwing knives and looking at him. Where he was tied to the targeting board.  
  
Though his face showed to be impassive and seemingly trusting in their eyes, Trowa was screaming inside. Oh shit! Crazy AND emotionless! A dangerous combination. Considering I don't know how good Heero's aim is when throwing knives. Please God just let me walk away alive is all I ask!  
  
To make matters worse, he saw Heero pull what looked like a blindfold out of his pocket and start to pull it over his head. Cathy snatched it from his hand and shook a finger at him. The audience was laughing. They seemed to be getting a good kick out of this. But knowing Heero, he was probably serious. In fact, he started to pull another blindfold out of his pocket.  
  
Cathy threw her knives at their perspective targets around his tied up form. Heero, having had three blindfolds taken from him, threw his knives, or rather Cathy's old knives in the pattern of a smiley face next to his head.  
  
The crowd cheered and Trowa gulped, though not visibly. They bowed and left the main tent for the next group of performers to come out. With Heero's newfound interest in knives, now was a good time to go over his life insurance policy. And make sure to include Heero in it.  
  
Heero sighed as he changed out of his clown outfit. If someone were to ask him if he wanted to die right that minute, he would say no. But living like this, from day to day, without anything to live for, was getting tiresome. It wouldn't be long before he held the gun to his head again. Only one thing stood in his way. Catharine.  
  
He was surprised when she didn't tell anyone about what he was about to do. She didn't even tell Trowa, whom she never kept secrets from before. Anyone else would have gone off telling everyone about what happened. Telling them to keep and eye on him. People giving him lectures about what his life was worth.  
  
But it was his life. He had the final choice in the matter. She understood that. She understood him in a way no one else ever had. Not even Releena understood him like that. Who at times could be thought to be sensible and understanding in any situation. Catharine may not like it, but she understood it. And for a change, she didn't endeavor to change him from it. More like endeavoring to help him understand them for a change.  
  
He would let her try at least. After what he had put her though. It seemed little at the time. After what he had put everyone else through. All the people he had killed. All the hurt he caused, seemed more important than the feelings of the one. But it made it harder to pull the trigger. Knowing that he would cause more pain to others in the process. He would let her try.  
  
Tossing the clown suit into the corner of his trailer, he decided to take a quick shower to clear his thoughts. If he kept thinking thoughts like that, he would be likely to change his mind for good and not kill himself. And he didn't want that.  
  
He got out of the shower and pulled some pants on and walked out of the bathroom. Catharine was just walking into the trailer door as he came out of the bathroom. Her face immediately took a pink hue coloring as she looked at him.  
  
She released a breath that she didn't know she had been holding. She had forgotten how built the guy was. Not really built. Heero was tall and lean when observed with his cloths on. But without his shirt, his muscles looked rather prominent. Especially when his skin was wet and gleaming.  
  
He walked over to a chair and pulled on a white t-shirt. She forced her gaze off from and him and looked down at the floor. Glancing up to look at him as she smiled at him. "Want to go for a walk with me?"  
  
Heero shrugged his shoulders and picked up his jacket sitting on the couch. They made their way out of the circus grounds and walked along the side of the road. She tried to think of something else she might be able to think of, that he might be able to live for. She didn't know if he had any feelings toward her. She couldn't exactly just ask if he could live for her. It hurt her knowing how he was feeling. And that she could do nothing for it.  
  
Her thoughts were thrown away from her as she felt two hands throw her to the ground. A loud screeching noise filled the air like a car slamming on the brakes followed by a loud crash. She opened her eyes to see Heero crouched over her, shielding her. But he was looking somewhere else.  
  
She followed his gaze. A car had lost control and crashed into a near by fire hydrant. Very close to where they were right then. He looked back at her. Looking over her body for any injuries. Her mind raced at the thought that he was looking at her like that.  
  
He stood up and walked over to the car as and middle aged man stepped out of it holding a bottle in his hand. Heero wasted no time and knocked the guy out with a single punch. He took the bottle from the man and looked tempted to hit the guy over the head with it. But didn't. Knowing that the guy probably wouldn't feel it. He still looked pissed.  
  
She stood up, though a little shaken. She beamed at him. "Thank you Heero." She walked over to him and looked over him, making sure that he wasn't hurt as well. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Fine." He said monotone.  
  
"You know Heero, life is a good reason to live." She smiled at him. He was about to ask her to elaborate on that, but some police cars showed up. As witnesses, they answered several questions to the officers before turning around and walking back to the circus.  
  
Walking back to the circus was spent a good portion in silence. All the while one question was burning on his mind. Life? How was life a good reason to live? He had no life. Isn't that why he was looking to end it? "How?"  
  
"What?" Catharine looked up. She seemed to be in deep thought as well.  
  
"How is life a good reason to live?" He said emotionless. He looked indifferent. But she saw the confusion in his eyes. He was trying so hard to understand.  
  
"You can fight for other peoples lives, Heero. Fight to protect those lives. But you can also live for those lives. Live for their feelings. Live in effort to improve those lives by being there for them. Live so you might continue to fight for those lives." She smiled softly and looked deep in thought.  
  
The irony was killing her. She was almost quoting Trowa. Or what Trowa had once said that she did for him. But for Trowa, it was not quite as intentional. As she had gained a brother in the process. Funny that now Heero was doing that for her. And he didn't even realize it. She looked at him. His expression seemed somewhat saddened. How badly she wanted him to live.  
  
"Hn." He grunted in thought. In a way, he had done just that during the war. Though he never realized it. He had never really thought of it that way. Never fully realized that he could still do that without having to fight a war. Live for the sake of living. Live for the sake of other people living. But he would have to want to live for them first. He wanted people to live. But he didn't want to live. He wasn't that far yet. He didn't know if he would ever be.  
  
They walked back into the circus grounds. They stopped in front of Heero's trailer. She wasn't sure how, but she felt she was beginning to fail. She couldn't give up on him yet. She wrapped her arms around his chest and hugged him. Reluctant to let go. He was a good reason to live. She only wished he could see it. "Thank you."  
  
She felt her eyes fill up with tears. The emotion was there in him. She could feel it. She let go of her embrace she had on him and ran away before he could see her tears.  
  
He watched her run away from him. He walked back into his trailer to do some thinking. Live for the sake of others. It was a good reason. A very good reason. But like the other reason, it was not his reason. He had no one to live for. Only himself. And he was not worthy enough to live. Life came cheaply. Especially his own.  
  
Inside the trailer, he found Trowa sitting comfortably in his couch. Waiting for his return. He seemed a little distressed. But then, no one told them that they had gone for a walk. He looked up as Heero entered. "Where did you two go?" His voice sounded worried, most likely for his sister.  
  
"Catharine and I went for a walk. When a car with a drunk driver almost ran us over. She is not hurt, but she seems to be shaken up about it. Distressed. You should go talk to her." Heero said emotionlessly. He sat down as Trowa stood up and walked out of the trailer in search of his sister.  
  
Trowa found her in his trailer curled into a ball on his couch. She must have been looking for him. Her face showed sadness and tears welled up in her eyes. She looked like she had a few days ago. After she had talked to Heero and become depressed afterward.  
  
He sat down next to her and embraced her in a hug. Cradling her in his arms. She hugged him back and released her tears onto his shirt. "He tries so hard to understand. But he can't seem to do it. I want to help him so badly."  
  
"I know, sis. I know." He tried to comfort her. He brought her chin up and looked into her eyes. He brushed her tears away with his hand. "But that is something only Heero can do. All we can do is hope that one day he may see through his emotions."  
  
She cried silently into his shirt. Slowly falling into sleep. He continued to hold her in his arms. He leaned his head onto hers and released a deep sigh. It hurt him to see her like this as much as it was hurting her. "Heero, if you only knew. Though somehow, I don't think it would make much of a difference." He sighed in defeat. 


	5. Friendship

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Gundam Wing in any shape or form. Sadly. I hope people are enjoying my Heero x Catharine fic. I don't see a lot of fics like this and I was eager to try it. Don't ask me why, but I just see the couple working. I know Heero is a little OOC. But this is five years in the future from Wing Series. So you can only expect them to have changed a little.  
  
Catharine watched Heero set up various equipment around the tents of the circus grounds. It was Sunday. In which most of the workers had taken the day off to lounge about and take it easy. But not Heero. He could never stand to be in one place for too long. Doing nothing. He had to keep busy. Sometimes, she wondered if that was really one of the only things that kept him from pulling the trigger sooner. He was busy and had not the time too.  
  
She had spent the last two years studying those blue eyes of his. Trying to figure him out. She could read just about every emotion he had in those eyes of his. Today was no exception. She knew that look in his eyes quite plainly. Defeat. He was starting to give up on himself.  
  
She couldn't give up yet. She wouldn't give up on him. She had to show him that there was something out there, something worth living for. There were many reasons. But what could she show him that he might connect with? That he could relate his emotions with? She was starting to have doubts. The look he had in his eyes the last time she had given him a reason, told her that Heero didn't think there was anything he thought he could live for. It hurt that he didn't believe.  
  
She watched him from a distance as he went about his daily chores. What should she do? Perhaps she could show him that he was needed. That he had friends. People who were there for him. By coincidence, Quatre was coming by tomorrow for a visit. She could talk to him. And maybe get him to talk to Heero for her. Show him just how important he was to all his friends.  
  
It was a long shot, but she was running out of ideas. She couldn't lose him.  
  
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Trowa watched as his sister immediately took on a more cheerful attitude. The question was, why the abrupt change? Not that he was complaining. It was good to see her looking happier. But yesterday she was looking down trot after something that happened with Yuy. He didn't press the subject. His sister never kept anything serious from him before. If it were important, she would tell him.  
  
Still, yesterday, she seemed miserable and depressed. Today after a little chat with Quatre, she seemed as bright as the sun. What did they talk about that in one solid movement changed Cathy's worried mood into cheerfulness and Quatre's cheerfulness into a worried mood?  
  
Quatre walked about the circus, looking for Heero. He found him feeding some of the animals in their cages. Walking up to him, he watched in silence, allowing him to finish and Heero to notice him standing there behind him.  
  
Heero watched as Quatre walked up quietly behind him. But not that quiet. Judging by the awkward silence, he could tell something was on Quatre's mind. "What's wrong Quatre?" he finished feeding the animals and turned around to his comrade.  
  
"Actually, I was going to ask you that. Catharine asked me to talk to you." Quatre took a seat on an empty crate and looked at him with concern in his eyes.  
  
He let out a small sigh. Here it comes. The ever-impending lecture. From Quatre no less. Questions like: why would you want to kill yourself? Or, what happened to make you do this? People would never understand him.  
  
"She said that you seemed distressed. Indifferent. More so than usual. That you were not acting like yourself lately. She seemed worried about you. What's wrong, Heero?" Quatre, always the first to panic.  
  
Then again, maybe not. He expected Quatre to lecture him on death and such. But Catharine had mentioned nothing to him. She still understood. And respected his wishes. "Nothing is wrong, Quatre."  
  
"You forget. I'm empathic. You're thinking about something. Something is bothering you, Heero." Quatre stood up and placed a hand on his shoulder. Heero pulled away slightly.  
  
"Nothing you can help me with, Quatre." Heero said emotionlessly and looked the blonde boy in the eyes.  
  
Quatre nodded and took his hand off his shoulder. He accepted his answer with a nod of his head. "Alright. But remember Heero. Your friends are here if you need them." He got up and walked away from Heero, feeling that somehow he had failed Catharine. Something was wrong. But he couldn't help him if he didn't want help. Forcing help on him would only drive Heero further away.  
  
Quatre walked past Catharine, forcing himself not to look at her. He failed her. He knew how important her friends were too her. They were all she had.  
  
Cathy watched with a saddened expression as Quatre left the circus. She had hoped. But no one could force anything; let alone assistance upon Heero Yuy unwillingly. Especially if he was in one of his more stubborn moods. Damn him.  
  
She marched over to where she saw him feeding the animals earlier. There she would give him a good talking to. Get it through his thick head that he was needed. That he had friends who needed him. And just how stupid he was for not seeing it.  
  
Hero was sitting on a wooden crate and seemed to be having a staring competition with one of the lions. She stood in front of him and glared back at him. "Why, Heero? Why can't you allow your friends to help you with this? Friendship! Companionship! Those can be a reason to live. Having those can get you through life! Hell! Those are what got ME through life!"  
  
She yelled at him before stomping off to sit next to him on the crate. "Damn it! I never knew anyone who could make me angry like you!" She glared at the loins instead of looking at him. Who was probably looking at her.  
  
"Because I have never had any friends." His voice was emotionless and he tore his gaze away from her.  
  
"What?" She didn't understand. He never had any friends? Sure he did! He had lots of friends. "I don't understand?" Cathy looked into his cold eyes. His eyes showing regret. Regret for something lost.  
  
"I have never had any friends. The other pilots are little more than acquaintances to me. Possible threats should they ever turn against me. My abilities as a soldier never letting their guard down for a moment. Every time they come near me, I feel my abilities heightening for reasons I don't even understand. They are the closest people to me. And I can't even bring myself to trust them." He sighed deeply and stared down at the ground. His brown hair covering his eyes from anyone looking into them.  
  
"A friend is someone whom you know, like, and trust. A friend is someone does those things for you in return. Someone you can count on. I have never had one of those." He picked his head up and his eyes became harder. Emotionless. "All my life I have been taught that, 'everyone you come to trust will one day let you down.' In life, the only person you can ever come to trust is yourself. That is a soldiers way."  
  
"Heero, a friend can be so much more than that." She glared through her tears. Angry that he would be so dense not to see that. "Having a friend can run deeper and not limit to physical abilities in life. In some ways, yes, you can never fully trust anyone, friend or not to come through for you. But in other ways, certain types of friendships can never let you down. And last forever."  
  
She wiped the tears from her eyes and looked up. Heero was walking away in the other direction with his back to her and his shoulders slumped.  
  
He stopped and turned around slightly, looking back at her. There was truth to those words. But like the other reasons, were meaningless to him. He had never found a friendship like that. Perhaps he never looked for it before. "You were a good friend, Catharine." He turned back around and continued walking away from her.  
  
She watched his departing figure, not unable to hold the tears back. What he said took on meaning. 'You were a good friend, Catharine.' That was what he said. "Were" was the key word in all that. He was going to do it. And there was no way to stop him now. She watched his departing figure until he disappeared from sight. He would die.  
  
But not before she would tell him the truth. Not before he knew that there were people who wanted him to live. Not before he knew. "I love you, Heero." She whispered to herself.  
  
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WARNING: NEXT CHAPTER HAS "SEXUAL CONTENT" NOT RECOMMENDED FOR YOUNGER READERS. IF YOU FEEL YOU MAY BE OFFENDED DO NOT CONTINUE READ AT YOU OWN DISCRETION. 


	6. Love

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER HAS "SEXUAL CONTENT" IN IT. NOT INTENDED FOR YOUNGER READERS. IF THIS OFFENDS ANYONE, I AM SORRY. IT IS NOT INTENTIONAL. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Gundam Wing or the characters. The next few chapters involve Heero acting very OOC. But hey, this is five years in the future. Might be possible. So try and keep an open mind and all flames are still accepted.  
  
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Cathy sat in her trailer that night and looked out her window. Heavy rain fell like sheets across the city. Thunder clapped and lightning streaked across the clouded sky. The weather seemed to be reflecting her mood. Like the rain, she cried her heart out. Like the lightening, she was angry because of it.  
  
She loved him. Heero Yuy. The inconsiderate bastard. Idiot. Thinking that there was nothing worth living for, was going to kill himself. The most important person to come into her life was now ripping himself from the world because he thought there was nothing in it for him.  
  
Though the lessons she gave him, the reasons she gave him were good reasons to live. They were not his reasons to live. Now, there was nothing left to try. And he would die. Leaving her shattered and alone.  
  
Outside her window, she could see that Heero's light was still on in his trailer. No surprise that he would still be up. Getting up from the window, she went out into the rain over to his trailer. To say goodbye. She ignored the strong wind and the cold rain as she knocked softly on his door.  
  
She opened his door softly, not really expecting a response from him. Walking slowly, she moved inside from the cold. Afraid what she might find in there. Afraid that he might have already done it. And that she wouldn't get her chance to say goodbye.  
  
Heero sat on his couch, hunched over and looking at the gun in his hand. The pain would finally end. Working here had only delayed the inevitable. He had always hoped that he might one day find a reason to live. But all for not. A soldier had no reason to live in this time of peace.  
  
Catharine walked in the door, wet from the rain. She looked at the gun in his hand, and then at him. She didn't say anything or move. She just looked at him with those blue eyes left him feeling so confused. That prevented him from pulling the trigger sooner. He did try. But he can't live for her reasons. He needed his own.  
  
"Heero, before you go, I just want you to know something. I want you to know how important you've become to me." Tears began to fall from her face as she forced the words out of her mouth. "You've become a reason for me to live, while you've been here. I'm sorry that I was unable to help you find your reason to live. Just know that I thank you for helping me find mine. And that I love you. Heero Yuy."  
  
She choked on a sob and ran over to him. Plunging her lips over his briefly. She stood back up and ran out the door crying. Before he could say anything. Before he could do anything. She didn't want to be there when he did it.  
  
Heero looked her departing figure and then at the gun in his hand. His lips still tingling from the kiss. She loved him. Not for the front that he put up. Or his exterior. But for himself. She had always seen through his front. Saw the emotion inside of him. She understood him for the person he really was. The man behind the mask. Inside the shell. Loved him for who he truly was.  
  
He now saw, now understood, that love can be a reason to live. A very good reason to live. His reason to live. She loved him for who he was in a way that no one else had before. Releena had done nothing more than find him to be intriguing to her. But Catharine, she loved him in a way no one ever had before. And he loved her for that. Loved her with a passion he didn't know he had. Or was just to consumed in thoughts to see before.  
  
He dropped the gun to the floor. He didn't want to die anymore. He wanted to live. He wanted to love. To love her. And take back the pain that he had caused her. He slammed his fist down on his leg. Not registering the pain. Angry that he didn't see this sooner.  
  
He stood up and ran out the door into the freezing rain. He looked about wildly. Looking for the direction she might have taken. He saw that the door to her trailer was left open. Running over to it, he peered inside.  
  
Cathy was curled up into a ball on her couch. Sobbing quietly. Her arms were wrapped around her legs and her face was buried in her knees. Her body shivered from the cold wetness. She was cold. His love was cold.  
  
He walked in quietly and shut the door behind him. She hadn't noticed that he had come in. He sat down next to her on the couch. She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. Surprised to see him. Tears that were for him. He cupped her chin in his hand and kissed her lips softly. Both closing their eyes.  
  
He released her from the kiss and looking into her eyes. He could feel his own eyes begin to fill up as well. "Cathy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He pulled her toward him and hugged her close to his body. He smiled at her before bringing her chin up to his again.  
  
He kissed her again. Deeper and more passionate than the last. Her heart raced and her breath became heavy as she felt his tongue protrude into her mouth with curiosity. She lapped her arms around him, feeling his warm arms hold her to him. Binding them. He loved her. He really did.  
  
An hour passed that they held each other in their arms. She shivered in spite of herself. Both of them wearing wet cloths from the rain. He felt her shiver and pulled her closer to his body. Releasing his lips from her, he kissed along the side of her neck softly. Moving slowly down her neck.  
  
He unbuttoned part of her blouse and continued to move downward with his kisses along her shoulder. Having pulled part of her blouse off, he paused suddenly. She opened her eyes too look at his. He smiled softly at her. Asking her for her permission before he continued. She smiled at him and ran her hand through his wet hair. He continued to kiss downward, his lips moving softly along her breast.  
  
She leaned forward and nibbled his ear teasingly. Slowly unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it off his shoulders. She moved her hands along his chest and backside. Sending chills down her spine.  
  
She moaned in ecstasy as her bra was slowly pulled off and his soft kisses continued their downward movement. She opened the front of his jeans and pulled then down partially. Running her hands along his backside down to his round hard bottom exterior. Squeezing it with her hands much to her enjoyment.  
  
He pushed her softly down onto the couch. Moving his hands over her sides as his kisses moved down to her belly. She let him take control this time. Letting him take her as she felt her jeans slowly being pulled off.  
  
The lights flickered off. Power outage due to the lightening. But they paid no mind to it. And continued with their business. The thunder continued to crack loudly. Unsure were they if the shaking of the trailer was due to the lightening or them. No one would hear them that night due to the storm.  
  
He stopped in his kisses to lean his face softly against her shoulder. Whispering to her in the dark. "I love you Catharine." She could feel him smiling against her skin.  
  
"I love you too, Heero. More than you will ever know." Cathy whispered back to him in the dark. She moved on top of him and curled herself against his naked form. Hugging him as close to her as she could. Where they would spend the rest of the night together.  
  
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Catharine woke up the next morning with the feel of a warm blanket around her and a soft bed under her. The sun shown through the cracks of the window at her. She felt two strong arms around her. Holding her warmly from behind. He must have woken up during the night and placed her in the bed.  
  
She wished they could stay like this forever. Not wanting to ruin anything. She hugged the arms around her and sighed in content. She felt Heero kiss the back of her neck softly. His face forming a smile against her neck.  
  
She smiled and hugged the arms around her tightly. "I love you, Heero- kun." She whispered again.  
  
"Hn." He half grunted, half sighed.  
  
She rolled her eyes at him. Even if he couldn't see it. "Heero, the romantic. You have such a way with words." She teased him. He let out a small silent laugh. She never heard him laugh before. Such a pleasant laugh. She wondered why he didn't do it more often.  
  
Her thoughts were interrupted as she felt him start to move. She hugged his arms again. Not wanting to let go. "Do we have to get up?" She sighed sadly. Hating to ruin the moment.  
  
She rolled over and watched him sit up slowly. Getting unwillingly out of the bed and her embrace. He smiled at her. "Wouldn't want anyone to think there was something wrong with me." He stood up and moved toward the bathroom.  
  
She chucked a pillow at him, hitting him in his naked rear and making him move quicker to the bathroom. "That was a bad pun, Heero." She fell back into the bed and smiled to herself. Funny though. Coming from him. 


	7. A Reason

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Gundam Wing. Despite as much as I wish I did. But then, don't we all?  
  
A month passed in wonderful bliss. They decided to keep their relationship quiet and secret. At least until they could figure out how to tell Trowa. But people knew something was going on. They just didn't know what. Catharine had regained her cheery disposition, and then some. People noticed a change in Heero as well. He even smiled from time to time. Nearly giving Trowa a heart attack. He seemed more carefree than before.  
  
Catharine was standing in front of the microwave, heating up some lunch. It was the circus. You can't expect them to be cooking fine cuisine. She smiled as two strong arms wrapped themselves around her waist. Rocking her back and forth. "Hey Cat."  
  
"Hn." She grunted with a smile. Cat. The pet name he had given her. Not the most original of names, but it was still hers.  
  
"I'm sorry Catharine." He said sadly. It didn't sound sad but she could hear it in his voice. She turned around and looked at him.  
  
"Sorry for what?" Something was wrong, and she knew it. She looked into his eyes. Looking for the emotion he was trying to express. "You're leaving, aren't you?" She tuned her back to him and fumed silently.  
  
"Catharine, you helped me so much. You helped me regain my humanity. That I thought I had lost." He paused and turned her around. Forcing her to look into his eyes. "But there is still a part of me that is still lost out there. And I want to find it. When I do, I will return. I promise."  
  
He hugged her and pulled her chin up to kiss her briefly. "I love you Catharine." He let go of her and picked up a duffel bag, throwing it over his shoulder. Walking to the door, he looked over his shoulder before he walked out. "I will return." He walked out. Leaving the circus, and her.  
  
She stood by the door and watched him as he left. She would wait for him. And hope that he finds what he is looking for in himself.  
  
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Cathy knocked her head softly against the door. It had not even been 6 hours and she was already missing him like there was no tomorrow. There might as well not be. She wondered just how bad she would be feeling when tomorrow came. Not too much better. "How pathetic can I get?" She wondered aloud.  
  
"You didn't seem that pathetic when I saw you earlier." A familiar voice said from the door. She looked up. Sure enough, Heero was standing there. Duffel bag in hand and a small smile on his face.  
  
She walked over to him and hugged him. Which he gladly returned. "Didn't take you long to find yourself, Heero." She teased looked up at him. She really shouldn't complain. He smirked back at her.  
  
"Once you were gone, it didn't take me long to realize, that the part of me that was missing, is you." He kissed her forehead and held her tight. He breathed deeply. "You're my reason to live."  
  
"I've been waiting for a month to hear you say those words." She leaned upward and gave him a peck on the lips. She let go of him and moved to take some food out of the microwave. "I should tell you though. . ."  
  
He looked at her from the door curiously. Trying to figure out just what she was talking about and trying to tell him. Tell him what? Was there something wrong?  
  
"I now have a second reason for you to live." She smiled at him and patted her stomach suggestively. She raised at eyebrow at him.  
  
[ THUD ]  
  
Heero fell the floor. Fainted. She laughed at him. Wishing she had a camera for that. That was probably a first for them both. You never have a camera on you when you want one.  
  
Trowa walked in and looked at the unconscious form on her doorstep. The look on his face was priceless. It wasn't often someone, let alone a good friend, watched his comrade fall to the ground in a faint. Trowa looked to be in shock. "What happened to him?" He looked up from the body to his sister. Waiting for an explanation.  
  
Cathy took a bite of her food and smiled at her little brother. "I just told Heero that I was pregnant with his child." She said as if it were nothing in the world.  
  
[ THUD ]  
  
She looked at the other unconscious form of Trowa, now lying on top of Heero. They were getting good at that. Hn. She would have to remember to buy a camera.  
  
She looked down at her stomach. "Well kid, how many more people do you think we can render unconscious before the day is done? I know! Lets go talk to boss!" She picked up her food and skipped out the door over the two bodies. A look of mischief and childness on her face.  
  
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FIN.  
  
What do you think? Good? Bad? So so? Just a short story. I don't know why, but I can see the couple working. Maybe it's just me. I could probably make a sequel off of this. In the future? Ya think? 


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